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Posts tagged “Writing

New Beginnings

For a writer, I really do seem to suck at this blogging thing. In my defence, I’ve been trying to figure to figure out the next chapter in my little life. Just over month ago I left my job at Kingston University. My almost a decade at KU and end and pretty soon i was on a one way flight to my new locale.

 

I always said that I studied for a reason, and that reason wasn’t to sit behind a desk. There’s nothing wrong with it, I worked behind a desk for almost ten years before returning to study, and it confirmed that’s it’s not what I’m looking for out of my career.I wasn’t seeking the 9 to 5 life. Despite thoroughly enjoying my time at Kingston International, it was never my final destination.

 

The last few weeks before I left were more than a little crazy, and my final days prior to leaving were even more so. One or two things showed up, that if not for the fact that a flight had been booked, a flat found and all necessarty preparations had already been made, I might have called it all off and stayed in dear old Kingston.

 

I’ve heard it said that sometimes to find yourseelf, you need to lose yourself. I couldn’t possibly count how many times I’ve lost or found myself. I seem to be on a perpetual journey of self discovery. My time time here in Berlin has been no different in that regard. While I’m here in dear Berlin, I shall see what life wishes to teach me.

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Tell Me A Story

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As I write this just after 5.30am. I’ve been off work ill over the last few days and the joys of being ill mean I can be at my laptop now trying to write a blog. Of course, the good thing about being ill is the alone time and the time to think that I have. I remember writing a while ago about my my best songs/poetry coming from honesty. Well, I think I shall give that a try now with this blog entry. I generally don’t talk to people much about what’s going on in my mind. I think I shall use this blog for that. So I ask that you indulge me for a while, as I work through one or two things going through my mind.

It’s been over a month since my last written blog. I’ve been trying ever so hard over the least few weeks to write something, and on Facebook I even got friends to give me suggestions as to what I should write about. As I walked home from work about a fortnight ago, I started thinking about it. In trying to understand where I am now, I considered the last number of years and my progress.

As soon as I finished my undergrad degree, I started work as the President of the Students’ Union. The very day after that finished, I traveled to work in Italy for 4 months. On my return, also the very next day, I started studying for my Masters degree. Recently finished that and I haven’t started something else that’s quite as all encompassing as yet. I have a good job, I’m comfortable. And that’s the problem.

I’m itching for another project.  Itching isn’t quite the right word. Desperately seeking else I drown in comfortable, might be a better description. One of the reasons I left the 9-5 life many years ago was the feeling that has recently returned to me. The living for the weekend, the ‘loss’ of creativity. The hunger for something beyond the monthly paycheck or the occasional gig with the band.

I like my job. I love meeting new people and doing what I can to help them. I love the people I work with. Everyday I tell them that the only other place I’ve worked at that mixes the same blend of insanity and professionalism is the Kingston University Students’ Union. It’s unlike any other office I’ve worked at prior to coming to Kingston. That’s one of the reasons that I wanted to work at the International Office in the first place. Despite that, it’s not enough. I’m glad I will only be there until the end of July. I don’t regret taking this job. In truth, I’m happy I did. It’s reminded me that the 9-5 life is so not for me. I managed it for almost 10 years before coming to Kingston, only because the jobs were mundane enough, that my mind could be elsewhere all the while. I wrote my book while at work and I dreamed dreams of grandiose achievements while there. 10 -15 years later, and I have managed to scale some of the heights I had my eyes set on.

While I have indeed have set some new dreams/targets for myself, my current life means I have nothing left of myself at the end of the day, to create. The part of me that creates seems to be blunted, and try as I may to ‘sharpen’ it, I come up with naught. Now, as I sit at my laptop, I can feel things percolating again inside this little cranium of mine and I remember that I used to do my best writing at night. When all around is still, the sky is dark and number of those walking the streets counts in the single digits. Once or twice I would take a walk around Surbiton at stupid o’clock and breathe in the air. Walk to the river and watch its calmness and come back home to create. I would know it was time to stop writing when it started to get light out. My aim now, is to find a way that my optimum hours of creativity can be used to create, instead of trying to sleep. And my weekends need to be used on more than just trying to relax and recuperate in time for the week to come. Which means that when this job is done at the end of July I need to grab the bull by its proverbial horns and hold on tight. A new project is beginning to form in my mind. And this is good. I hope this will quell the gnawing feeling of disquiet and dissatisfaction that has been plaguing me these last few months. And that gives me cause to smile at 06.53 on this Wednesday morning.

Syfy am always consists of Smallville, then Buffy. Smallville’s just finished. Buffy next, then sleep. I’ve decided I shall return to the office tomorrow. Things to do etc. So, until next time people, have a great day!

SU President TJ Esubiyi 2009-10 d


My Dreams

I was taught a number of things when it comes to dreams. Here are but a few of them:-

1. Have dreams bigger than you

2. Write down your dreams.

3. Guard your dreams. Protect them, be very careful with whom you share them as not all you meet will aid you in bringing them to life.

4. Let some people know about these dreams. those that will encourage you and drive you, push you never to let go of them. they will keep you on course.

With that in mind, last week I sat down and decided to finally write down these dreams of mine. Here are a few of them:

  • Sell my poetry. (Frames, on mugs, in cards etc)
  • Write a few more books.
  • Open a music venue, where known artists can come to perform, as well as promoting local talent.
  • Continue travelling to perform.
  • Nurture local talent, in local schools and other educational establishments and give them to opportunity to perform on stage at the venue. Thus improving on their performance technique and helping to further inspire them to keep with what they’re doing.
  • Motivational speaker
  • All of the above would be under the umbrella of MusicTJ, which I’ve begun to cultivate in the last year or so. One large organisation which will include a number of different facets/departments. Educational (dance, music, writing etc), Events, Performance, Poetry, Speaking etc.
  • Mentor/Consultant
  • And remain open to other opportunities that may come about.

The fortunate or unfortunate thing about having a lot in your ‘box of tricks’ is that it’s hard to pin down a single thing you want to do. I’ve therefore decided not to stick to a single one. The REALLY hard thing now, is deciding what to start with. One thing I know with absolute certainty right now is that I do not wish to remain in the UK. I’ve been here most of my life and it’s time to move elsewhere. What I now need to do, is put together a model that I can pick up and take with me wherever I go.

There are still a number of things I haven’t put on here. I haven’t mentioned anything about my music as yet. And you know I love my music. I’ve a lot in mind for that. My mind has always been exceptionally full of things, and for such a long time I never actually believed I could do any of it. In the last seven years especially, I come across people who seem to believe I could do absolutely anything I ever set my mind to. It’s absolutely amazing how liberating that is!

I could afford it, I would have bought the MusicTJ.com domain name by now, just to make sure it’s mine at least. I still need to get the MusicTJ logo designed. So much to do, so little time.

Do not tread on my dreams. If you do so, I promise you, I will tread on you.





	

Tomorrow

I don’t close my eyes to sadness.
I don’t turn my ear from cries.
Though I’ll turn my ears to gladness
And turn today’s truth to a lie.

I’ll reach into the ether
And pull out a new tomorrow.
I’ll plunge into my dreams.
So the future turns from sorrow.

Today may tell one thing.
But tomorrow’s yet to be born.
If you dwell in today’s darkness.
You’ll never see the light.

You don’t need to close your eyes to sadness.
To see the future gladness.
But you shouldn’t plunge into the tears
To live away from fear.

In that distant time,
In years yet to come.
Beyond the bridges burnt
Beyond the battles won.

The people who live there.
The people born from now.
Their hope is drawn from you.
They look to you for how.

If you would build tomorrow.
If you would make it bright.
Turn your heart away from sorrow.
Turn your heart to the sunrise.

For when the sun rises
And makes the night flee.
The demons that haunt at night
Will have to let you be.

As it warms your heart
And fills you with gladness
It will let fly your fears
And replace them with light.

Be not afeared
of that which is to come.
For that distant horizon
Holds a bright world, not yet born.

New battles to be won.
New challenges to face.
And a wondrous new adventure
A path you’re yet to grace.

Tomorrow can be bright
If that is what you are.
Tomorrow can be a thrill
If you but have the will.

Tomorrow lies in you
And it’s just beyond your view
Tomorrow holds your prize
If you would just own it too.

So don’t close your eyes to sadness.
And don’t turn your ear from cries.
But turn your ears to gladness
And turn today’s truth to a lie.


The end of one Chapter! (So what’s next?)

I’m coming out of what has been a very stressful time. I just handed in my Masters dissertation. This sees the end of a two year journey of stress and more stress.

So of course, now is the perfect time to start thinking about what comes next and write a blog!

At the start of February 2003 I began working for Vodafone UK Ltd. After 18months of being unemployed, I received a job offer from Vodafone for a customer services position.I had turned down a number of sales jobs, as I felt none of them offered what I was looking for in terms of progression, and the traits required for selling were not the ones I wanted to necessarily develop. I wanted to be a part of an organisation where I had the chance for upward movement. So VF was the perfect place for me at the time. I spent two years there and in that time I was stretched, pushed, squashed, twisted and challenged in so many different ways. I was made to grow in ways I never thought I could or would. And definitely in much more ways that I grew during 5 years of working at the Birmingham City Council. I grew exceptionally loyal to the place, as it taught me that my future was much brighter than I had previously hoped. So when I left there, it was truly with a heavy heart. But, not a single regret.

10 years ago I never though I’d have a single degree. Today I finish my second. Ecstatic doesn’t even cover it!

The future looms ahead of me. And at 35 I am so full of life and energy. I cannot wait to see what’s next.

There are tooooooo many people to thank for the last 7 or so years. Institutions and individuals. Cultures and countries. Colours and continents have been opened up for me thanks to all of you.

My achievements, my worth, my everything is dedicated to you wonderful people in my life. The encouragement and in some cases the discouragement have driven me to strive beyond what people or even I thought I could achieve.

Let’s see what comes next!


Dream Big

Ever must we dream.
Ever must we live.
We must build our dreams stone by stone.
We must dream big.

For what is the point in small dreams?
They serve no purpose.
They challenge none.
They mark the status quo.
They mark the daily trudge of the un-attaining ones
You are not such.

Ever must we dream.
Ever must we live.
We must build our dreams stone by stone.
We must dream big.

Build dreams that scare you.
Build dreams that task you.
Build dreams that take you beyond that which you already know.

Ever must we dream.
Ever must we live.
We must build our dreams stone by stone.
We must dream big.

Build dreams that make you.
Build dreams that wake you.
Build dreams that wake you to the wonders of this world.

That make you the one you would become.
That take you to the place you finally belong.
That break you and remake you into one to shape a world.

Ever must we dream.
Ever must we live.
We must build our dreams stone by stone.
We must dream big.

For hopes and dreams are marvelous things.
They open your eyes, when closing is easier.
They make you move when sitting is simple.
They make you run when walking is preferred.

Build dreams that shake you.
Your dreams won’t forsake you.
Build dreams that take you to the very ends of the world.
Build dreams that take you beyond past sorrow.
For your dreams are your passport to a brighter tomorrow.

Build dreams that push you.
Build dreams that stress you
Build dreams that make the simple unacceptable.

Reach for the improbable
Make a lie of the impossible.
Reach beyond and grasp the unobtainable

For, ever must we dream.
Ever must we live.
We must build our dreams stone by stone.
We must dream big.


Journey

Still working in Italy. Meeting lots of new people. Handing out my business card left and right. You never know, maybe one day something will come out of this.

Anyway, earlier today I emailed my dissertation to my supervisor, which means I have some time on my hands with nothing to do till she replies telling me all I’ve done wrong and asking that I rewrite the whole thing.

I found this little unfinished poem. Generally when I come across unfinished pieces, I try to see if I can finish them. But not quite happening this time. In truth, I can’y quite connect with where I was when i wrote it, so I cannot possibly be true to it and as a result all that would happen would be that it becomes somewhat disjointed if I were to force the issue. Maybe when I come back to it next time, I’ll have a resolution for it.

So for now here it is:

Journey

I am to tell you of laughter.
I am to tell you of light.
I am to sing not of destitution
Nor of fright.

Levity is gone, I cannot find thee here.
Seek me out will you?
In this time,
“give me something to sing about”
This was the refrain, was it not?

I have much to sing on.
Though not of joyous rhyme.
I have much to speak on.
I daresay you will not speak in time.

In this season,
In this time.
This is my reason for this rhyme.
My heart remains heavy.
My mind remains weary


Give Me Something Precious To Lean On

Give me something precious to lean on.

So I don’t fall apart when it’s dark for too long.

Give me something precious to lean on.

So my heart doesn’t seal, close and hide away from the world.

Give me something precious to lean on.

So when the darkness closes in I’m not found wanting.

Give me something precious to lean on.

My island is gone, submerged beneath the sea.

So please.

Give me something precious to lean on.


Heart Leads Head – The Challenge To Study The Creative Arts

Heart Leads Head.

It’s a mantra that we in the creative field simply must follow. We may never consciously state this to ourselves, but it still is the methodology for us.

Our ‘product’ comes from being connected to something beyond ourselves, something many others may not understand. As well as being deeply connected to ourselves. We must portray the things that people feel and cannot express themselves. We must write so that people look at what we write and say

“Yes! That’s exactly how I feel!”

We’re supposed to be open to the ‘elements’ and must be buffeted, tossed about and torn in so many different ways. Yet we must harness that somehow and use that to choreograph, to dance, to sing, to recite poetry.

We are supposed to be the mouthpiece of people. We must be the ones to say “It’s 10 o’clock and all is well!”

And when things get rough, we are to console, we are to offer up our hearts as an offering for those in pain. We are made to take the pain and hold it, sometimes nurture it. Till it must come out in song, in verse, in dance in a movie. In whatever form our creative self takes. We often don’t have the luxury of an ear, for we are those ears. We are the eyes that must see and we are the mouthpieces that must speak.

Only the immensely lucky get to earn bucket loads of money. Despite working the same amount of hours and and even more, of those in Science, Business, Law etc.

So, why oh why would anyone consider studying such a subject? Why give yourself over to these creative forces?

If you have ever written a poem, a song, screenplay, and handed over to someone and had it profoundly touch their heart, you will know exactly why we do it. There is no better feeling than knowing you have captured an emotion and clearly depicted it in some form or another. It’s not always about the best way of putting words together, or the best angle to shoot a film from, or the best voice that sings. If a poem, a song, a picture manages to accurately capture emotion, it has caught something beautiful indeed.

We in the creative world strive to capture these fleeting intangible moments. We seek to make them last longer so they can be revisited and remembered. Our job is to completely give ourselves over to something bigger and believe that what is channeled through is is worth the time and effort.

It is a huge challenge. Do you dare take it up?


My First Single

Over the weekend, I released my very first single. And I must admit, I am nowhere near as excited about it as I probably should be. This particular song ‘Weathervane’ is a song of which I have written in the past. I wrote about the songwriting and what it meant to me to write it. It was produced and co-written by Rogerio of Take The Beat. With artwork by Kjerstin.

I am thankful to Rogerio for all the work he’s put in to this single. I honestly don’t don’t know where this work would be without him. Mr Rogerman, we’ve got a long way to go yet! And to Kjerstan, also much thanks indeed.

It’s due to be on iTunes soon. Though it can be purchased on Amazon Music now.

People keep telling me to be proud after releasing my first single. And in truth I’m trying. But I know that I’ve many more songs left to record and I’m still studying for my masters. I currently work the night shift and have fairly busy days so proper rest is a thing of the past. My social skills are slowly leaving me as I try to shun being social, despite the attentions of friends and acquaintances. I cannot afford to stop and feel any sort of pride in any supposed accomplishment. I’m so far from done it’s unbelievable.

One one thing I do know. The shore is a long way behind me now. And that continues to give me hope. I may have some way to go yet before I can claim pride in anything, I know that I’ve come some distance.

Just some 2am musings!