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Take Too Many Pictures

I recently started writing a song called ‘Pictures’ which I may or may not finish in time to put in the upcoming album.

The idea behind the song, like many of my songs, is quite simple. It says to take a picture that will remind you of laughter, of joy and of a time when all was well. As when times are hard we will need something to hold to. Something to remind us that things aren’t forever bleak.

There is something about  the early hours of the day that can either spark creativity or depending on where one is emotionally, nostalgia. And as I write this blog, it is about 3am and I’m trying to fight off this wave of melancholy that has been trying to beat me over these last few months. I’ve had some ups and downs over those months and it finally seems to be getting the upper hand, so I must make a conscious effort to improve my disposition.

People often wonder why I take so many pictures and they always fear my candid pictures. My reasons are purely selfish. I just want to remember. People come in and out of my life all the time. I want to be able to look at a picture that will remind me of that moment. The poses won’t always do it. A picture of someone pulling a face at me in some random pub, will tell me more of that person and my relationship with them at that time than any posed picture.

Anyway, I want to share a very short story with you about why I take too many pictures. And why I care not for your vanity when these pictures are taken. I just want to remember you in that moment. I want to capture and keep that moment and remember it for as long as I live.

Many of you already know about my time living in a homeless hostel. Well, while I lived there, I made friends with two particular people within the place. We’ll call them Jack and Jill.

They helped make my time in the hostel bearable. It was hard for all of us, but often when we would just come together at night and share our time, things didn’t feel so bad. Jack always had a smile on his face, he always laughed, he always sought the lighter side of all that was around us. Eventually I left the hostel and was slowly able to begin moving upwards socially. I found a job, entry level Data Entry, but it was a start for me. And at 20 I just wanted to make money to live and begin pulling my life back together at a time when I never thought it was possible.

Nevertheless, I didn’t keep in touch exceptionally well with Jack and Jill, but I know they eventually got together and had some kids. A boy and a girl. At some point my life path merged with Jill’s for a while. As a result I was able to see Jack much more. In time Jill and I grew apart, but we still spoke every so often.

One night I called Jill just to see how she was, and she told me Jack had died. Killed himself a few days ago. There are no words for the grief felt at that point. I’m not a fan of tears, I don’t shed them often. But I shed them in bucket loads then. I ranted, I raved, I raged at the heavens during those few weeks. I attended the funeral with Jill. We were all in a daze. We lived through it all. And somehow continued to strive.

Years later, as I think back on those times, I cannot for the life of me remember what Jack looked like. I haven’t a single picture of him anywhere. There is no log somewhere saying we shared our lives with each other at one point. Nothing showing the emotional strains shared. No black book detailing that period of our journeys. Nothing.

So now, I take too many pictures. I take candid pictures, I take posed pictures. If you’re in front of my camera, it means I want to remember you, as you are. You have worth to me in that exact moment, no matter what you think you look like. I want you in my memories.

When you smile,

I’ll take a picture.

When you laugh,

I’ll take a picture.

When you frown,

I’ll take a picture,

I make you growl,

And take a picture.

When you squirm,

I’ll take a picture.

Cause you to shout,

and take a picture.

When we’re together,

I’ll take a picture.

Maybe just for now,

I’ll take a picture.

In and out my life, you walk

Long lengths of time and short spurts, we talk.

By my side, in my mind.

Gone from sight not from mind.

Little things to remind, what you meant and mean to me.

To shed that single solitary tear, I take a picture to keep you near.

Never forget, always remember.

So long ago, that distant September.

And if time should never bring us back together,

Your picture will keep us close forever.


Happy New Year! (Vow)

For the past few years, at the start of each new year, I write a poem. I was uncertain whether to continue said tradition, or to move to a video blog instead. So I made a little query on Facebook, asking people what they thought. It was leaning towards a video blog, when both my younger sisters said I should stick to tradition. The decision was made.

Now, I am a creative being, always will be. Creative beings have to be open, sensitive to environment, to emotions (their own as well as others) and we are often somewhat eccentric in our ways. As something has to give to allow for creativity. I firmly believe that creative people are simply conduits, we receive and must then pass on a message. Don’t ask me where it comes from. There are those better versed on the workings of the ether than I am. I’m sure they will posit some theories on such. As for me, I reached inside to see what I would find. Here’s my offering for 2013…

Vow

Write not resolutions,

for those are but tokens.

Make not new promises,

those are made to be broken.

The world is full of broken promises.

Friends, lovers, politicians galore.

Don’t make another. Don’t join this horde.

Rather, make a vow to yourself,

not one that changes in a year.

But be true to yourself,

every month and every year.

Reach right to the place you reside,

see where your heart is and decide.

To fight, to survive and above all else to thrive.

To take hold of your dreams and not let go.

Though it would sometimes seem you’d come apart in the wind.

The buffeting wind that would try your resilience.

Even as you reach and strive for existence.

It is important to remember,

in this dark and desperate hour.

Your future is always in your hands.

Despite the evidence close at hand.

Understand what’s in your glands.

Don’t buckle to your fear, don’t sink in the sand.

So fix your eye on your distant star.

And never forget exactly who you are.

You are a wonder, strong and true.

If you would just believe in you.

Don’t you dare stop.

Don’t you dare fall.

Especially when up against the wall.

You make that vow.

You make it now.

And in years to come,

you’ll be just fine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


My First Single

Over the weekend, I released my very first single. And I must admit, I am nowhere near as excited about it as I probably should be. This particular song ‘Weathervane’ is a song of which I have written in the past. I wrote about the songwriting and what it meant to me to write it. It was produced and co-written by Rogerio of Take The Beat. With artwork by Kjerstin.

I am thankful to Rogerio for all the work he’s put in to this single. I honestly don’t don’t know where this work would be without him. Mr Rogerman, we’ve got a long way to go yet! And to Kjerstan, also much thanks indeed.

It’s due to be on iTunes soon. Though it can be purchased on Amazon Music now.

People keep telling me to be proud after releasing my first single. And in truth I’m trying. But I know that I’ve many more songs left to record and I’m still studying for my masters. I currently work the night shift and have fairly busy days so proper rest is a thing of the past. My social skills are slowly leaving me as I try to shun being social, despite the attentions of friends and acquaintances. I cannot afford to stop and feel any sort of pride in any supposed accomplishment. I’m so far from done it’s unbelievable.

One one thing I do know. The shore is a long way behind me now. And that continues to give me hope. I may have some way to go yet before I can claim pride in anything, I know that I’ve come some distance.

Just some 2am musings!